Redneck Perfumisto

Valentino Donna Born in Roma Yellow Dream by Valentino

Rosie Eau Donna
To Pineapple Invictus
Bore some resemblance

Thereby remaining
Roman, yellow and dreamy
Though rather less sweet

And penetrating
While still reminding me of
Amazing Donna

In the flanker-world
Conspiracy theory
Being her grand-mum

Thus recommended
To boys and girls alike in
Final irony.

Fascinator by Hové Parfumeur

Old school unisex
Distilled out of a thousand
Out-of-style perfumes

Leaves only the base
As perpetual dry-down
Of my memories.

Notes: Fascination,
Comfort, Nostalgia, Downtown,
She's wearing perfume,

Put on your good clothes,
Sniff the top of the bottle,
Company's coming.

Modern me smells musks
And some unlisted amber
Plus enough oakmoss

To fake a chypre
That vanished into magic
Empty bottle smiles.

Ivy League by Bluehill Fragrances

All green that glitters
Ain't exactly Christmas trees
But may bear presents

For patient waiters
Seekers of sweet truth and a
Better class of mint

Da clean green machine
Don't need no stinkin' badgers
Down in da garden

Rootin' 'round in them
Spices, flowers, herbs and such
Might make a fine mess

Ivy lookin' down
That brick and mortar pawn shop
Fine establishment

Second story gal
Climbed up on her own she did
Wavin' to the crowd

If those bricks could talk
Nature on both sides might have
A story or two.


I blind-bought Ivy League mostly out of curiosity, as part of my love/hate relationship with green scents. My love for green stuff comes and goes, so I try to "buy into" my periodic days of infatuation, to maximize my enjoyment.

Dirty and weird greens wake me up and challenge me, but I cannot love them on my skin. Bitter greens get some of my love, but only for a brief time. I salivate over the bottles, and then say no.

Clean, fresh, and sweet greens, in contrast, are my periodic precious. I had hoped that Ivy League would stay in my Goldilocks zone, in that regard, and it does.

Brief moments of almost-bitterness grab my attention, but are eased aside by sweet, minty goodness, come to the rescue. Meanwhile, that vegetal ivy scent I sought, stays strong at all times, backed up by a chorus of clipped grass. Wild and untamed, ivy is a tricky thing - I know - but willing to share its beauty, in the hands of the artist, be they perfumer or groundskeeper. Clean and fresh floral notes never give up. Black pepper spices things up just right. The entire composition lasts and lasts.

My wife, lover of clean and green, alone or together, approves of this fragrance. I think I like Seabreeze more, with its aquatic facets, but the mint, herbs, pepper and ivy combination makes Ivy League a very interesting and rather unique offering.

Even the "mean green" crowd may want to investigate. This gal Ivy has a few surprises!

Seabreeze by Bluehill Fragrances

Flowers on the shore
Announce the wind's arrival
Yet never asking

Where it came and went
Believing in its goodness
And adding their own.


Seabreeze was a blind buy, but I was tipped off by Ida Meister's "10 Best of 2020" vouch for it on Ca Fleure Bon, so I knew I'd like it, and I do.

(Photo of woman in an outdoorsy summer dress for cooler climes, standing on a rocky shore, looking out to sea.)

The ad copy photos describe the scent well. It smells reminiscent of a really clean seashore - although one should not be misled that it's too feminine. I am reminded of Acqua di Giò Pour Homme (but slightly saltier, less citric, and less masculine), L'Eau d'Issey Pour Homme (but more natural), and Côte d'Amour (but more unisex). Seabreeze also reminds me of the more aquatic Hermès Jardin scents, but less vegetal and more mineral, allowing a fresh oceanic aqua feel to remain prominent.

(Photo of wild grasses and flowers on a sandy beach, looking toward sunrise over the ocean in the East.)

Many "marine" aquatics, intended to evoke a maritime setting, overdo the marine and saline aspects, to my taste, but when marine aspects are underdone, the scents turn into "freshwater aquatics" to my nose. Seabreeze not only hits the proper balance - it even gets the latitude right. I feel like I'm on an actual vacation.

The floralcy reminds me of another discontinued Ellena gem - Ailleurs et Fleurs - which has a very subtle aqua keeping the white flowers real. The aqua is more prominent here, taking us from rain-nurtured meadows to the seaside.

Seabreeze stays perfectly clean as it dries down, without veering from a natural freshness. The persistence on skin is good. The "happy aquatic" feel of the opening never goes away, but as it dries down, the subtle sweetness of the opening fades, and new aspects like clean musks become more prominent, keeping my interest.

Fellow aquaticists and "cleanies" take note! This is quite enjoyable, and my wife (current signature scents: Jour d'Hermès and Bulgari Pour Femme) approves. She bought me (her choices) Acqua di Giò and Pleasures for Men - it makes sense.

Fresh Getaway by Bath and Body Works

At the border of
Cleanliness and Godliness
She found her hideout

With the priests and nuns
Of Beachy Reminiscence
With their clean towels

That nobody steals
Their cool cottons and linens
That don't get dirty

And their sacred rites
Conducted by bonfires with
Toasted marshmallows.

To join their order
She cleaned many a toilet
With yuzu perfumes

Until they knew that
She was indeed one of them
And that, my friends, is

Where her trail went cool
You know, I cannot recall
What they said she did.

Spicebomb Night Vision Eau de Toilette by Viktor & Rolf

These fancy goggles
Are listed as munitions
And on top of that

Can only see plants
I thought we ordered grenades
Look on the bright side

I showed them off to
Some of the island women
They were a big hit

We can trade these things
To the local cargo cult
For those weird apples

And make some friendlies
Meanwhile, let's keep a few crates
In case the locals

Figure something out
Friggin' Department of Peace
What were they thinking?

Tea Olive by Hové Parfumeur

I took me down to NOLA
In search of Quarree
I found her in da Quarter
A place call Hovee
And when I smell Tea Olive
Da spirit move me
To say Osmanthageddon
Comin' for you, child
Osmanthageddon comin' for you.

I visited da graveyard
Da one in da air
I seen da sista's tomb and
I left her a prayer
I tipped my hat to Charlie
Who showed me da where
Because Osmanthageddon
Comin' for you, child
Osmanthageddon comin' for you.

I tried da Fascinator
I liked it real fine
But missy showed Tea Olive
Da flower like wine
Da wifey give da nod and
It had to be mine
You know Osmanthageddon
Comin' for you, child
Osmanthageddon comin' for you.

I couldn't smell da Pearlies
Dat strip in da store
So brung it home and five sprays
Was givin' me more
An' den I read da Claire words
Dey open da door
O Lord, Osmanthageddon
Comin' for you, child
Osmanthageddon comin' for you.

It like Leffleur was sayin'
Tea Olive, oh boy
Of all da fruity floral
Da re-al McCoy
Dem honey singin' peaches
Dey bringin' me Joy
Oh babe, Osmanthageddon
Comin' for you, child
Osmanthageddon comin' for you.

I like Ellena's daughter's
I like her old man's
I like da Diff'rent ones and
I like da Yunnans
But now I smell da party
At Louisianne's
I know Osmanthageddon
Comin' for you, child
Osmanthageddon comin' for you.

Da Cook'un an' da Claire'un
Dey head da parade
Da party's down on Bourbon
Our Quarry be laid
Tea Olive singin' glory
No more be afraid
Because Osmanthageddon
Comin' for you, child
Osmanthageddon comin' for you.

Ice Blue by Original Penguin

This review was originally posted at the following link, during a "haiku and limerick sync".

The fragrance supposedly has a muguet note, but it's weak IMO, and lilial isn't even listed (by its usual alias). Unsurprisingly, this is nowhere near any of the better "ice" fragrances, to my nose. In fact, it may be the "broken air conditioner" of the lot. Nevertheless, the fragrance has some odd charms, and got me interested in the lilial ban. Digging into it, as usual, I found myself in disagreement with other people's scientific policy.

The result? Voila! Or Viola! Your mileage may vary.

The mystery train
With peculiar seating
Bound by parts unknown.

Only ten dollars!
Why don't you get on board, son?
Costs of growing up.

Jazz band warming up
Instruments all out of tune
Conifer madness

Did I just pay for
Lilial's last dying gasp?
Murdered by showmen

And lovely ladies
In Dinner Train Thee-A-Tur
Playing Miss Muguet?

Bleu de Bleuism
On Penguinissimo Rocks
Going full d'Issey

In violation
Of Roudnitska's Roudy Rule
That it just smell good

Lean back in the seat
Red can sleep on any bus
Sorry, I meant train

Daydreams of women
Beautiful like cheap fragrance
Not smelling quite right

Sweaty shoulders cool
To the cheeks of crew-cut boys
Damn it sure is hot

Where's the AC, Mom?
Hands me a blue glass bottle
Is this all there is?

Ceiling fans turn, in
Exquisite tragedy of
Southern injustice

"She deserves the noose!"
Yelled Ms. Ratte Fink Overdose
Wolfed down Lilial

At four grams daily
Based on her healthy beagles
And the science lit

That nobody read
Oh, except for those who did
Artfully dodging

The science of GRAS
The joy of derivatives
When honestly sniffed

Across DNA.
"Would you please tell us again
Ms. Ratte Overdose

What Doctor Science
Told you on that fateful day?"
Lilial in tears

White Dior dress ruined
After years of mistrials
And legal abuse.

"She killed the babies!"
"She might have accomplices!"
"Rats need equity!"

"Did Science not say
That Lilial didn't know
Of the pregnancy?

That harm to the child
Only happened because of
Harm to her mother?"

"I don't remember!"
"Didn't Science also say
Ms. Ratte Overdose

That rats more than most
Hate Lilial, but beagles
Are quite fond of her?

Even your own dogs?"
"Doesn't matter! She killed them!"
"Or that you could eat

Four grams Lilial
Every day, quite safely
Based on those beagles?"

"Objection!" the cry.
"Defense is speculating
To a new species!"

"EU's entire case
Is based on speculation!"
"Order! Overruled."

"You may continue."
"Would not those four grams imply
That any number

Of accomplices
Could not harm human babies
With more Lilial

In massive amounts?"
"But she's a skin allergen!"

Said with chess-sure smile.
"But unknown accomplices
Might kill the baby!"

"And unknown agents
Might save that baby as well.
Indeed, to that point

I remind you of
Prior testimony by
Nurse Tocopherol."

"Objection!" "Basis?"
"Allergens!" "And your response?"

"Explain to the court."
"Safening agents exist
In both medicine

And agriculture.
Tocopherol's example
Is one of many.

I can call her back
To explain the idea
Without allergens."

"Objection is dropped."
"Can we move this thing along?"
Red in his bow tie

The Gulf Coast Penguin
Waddling becomes Atticus
"I submit to you

Ms. Ratte Overdose
And to the court and the state
That you understood

What Science told you
But pretended not to know
The implications.

Your years of pursuit
Of Lili and her sister
Had proven fruitless

But you had her now
On a technicality
If you just ignored

Some of the science.
There is no written record
Of bureaucrat's crime

Because in essence
You cornered the science to
A darkened alley

But the evidence
All the things that you ignored
Are right there in print

Where honest Science
On payroll of neither side
Can see what you did

For your media
To ignore along with you
Or to hand over

To paid fact-chequers
Bearing no allegiance to
Science or logic."

"Next stop, Willoughby!"
The boy wakes from his slumber
"South Is Moving North"

Blares the Apple News
Silent smooch in synth pixels
"Profs Blame Climate Change"

"Sure is a warm one"
The lady in the white dress
Sitting next to me

"Yes it sure is, ma'am.
They said it would be cold, too."
"They say lots of things."

"You gettin' off here?"
"I'm bound for Perfume City.
So how about you?"

And thus the boy learned
He could learn a lot from a
Ten-dollar fragrance.

Nirvana Rose by Elizabeth and James

Earths's Airs's Fires's Water
Bourbon's twins's moms's daughter
Dirty rosey nosey bling
Makey Reddy Heady ring

Mary Kate and Ashley too
Liz and James to me and you
Beauty house of Butterfly
LLC to you and I

Why the Olsen twins made niche
This old boy does not capiche
All I know's this shit smells good
Dirt sweet rose and warm moist wood

T.J. Maxx's bargain bin
Leaving there's a Basenotes sin
Rescue rose comes home with Red
Haiku sync gets this instead

This one's up there with the best
Deep dark roses of the West
Gucci Guilty Absolu
Portrait of Some Lady too

Loved like Galop d'uh Hermès
Scandal to this scand'lous nez
Terre de stolen g'ranium
Messin' wit' me cranium

Vetiver must share the blame
Rose by grasswood's stolen name
Smells so good but not so sweet
Some perfumer's magic feat

Mossy m'earthy moist machine
Mysteries of Mistress Clean
Mary Kate and Ashley's rose
Gets all 5 stars from this nose.

Cheeteau by Cheetos

Red's Wife:

First it smells like perfume.
Then it smells like food.
It’s not very good.


Cheese and perfume mean
Sex in the grocery store
Near deli and breads.


Let the temptation
Of asiago bagels
Not come between us.


This is an interesting cheesy, bready gourmand that smells strikingly similar to, but not exactly like, the various Cheetos products that you may know and love. On skin, the cheese notes build and then decay in a few hours, leaving a mostly bready gourmand that surprisingly gets into non-scrubber territory. There are touches of feminine and unisex gourmands (citrus, ethyl maltol, standard basenotes) which are just restrained enough to let the cheesy and bready gourmand notes keep center stage. I was even reminded of Jeux de Peau, just a wee bit, toward the end of the main projection, before it went to a skin scent.

This review is for an 8-year-old "vintage" bottle from April 1, 2014, in excellent condition, and relatively unchanged from the initial sniff. For a fuller and more humorous review, including links to various media and marketing articles about the fragrance and its PR success, see

Baiser Volé by Cartier

L'Instant L'Eau Volé
Love your carnations today
Unsprayed your nicely

Destayed your spicely
And that's when I realized
(She|He|We) got in your way.

Carven L'Eau de Toilette by Carven

My gentle, floral
Green Cheshire chameleon
Of Eurambient

Functional Beauty
Known to my friends as Sweetpea
Refuses to bite.

With that being said
He, she or it (whatever)
Can be hard to find.

Hiding in your hair
Or in piles of clean clothing
Is his great pleasure.

Cleaning up his mess
By spraying stronger odors
Makes cleanup Febreze.

Champooleons are
"Easy pets" like ladybugs
And birds in the yard

Turn your back in spring
They creep through open windows
Like wisteriants

And similar floral pests
Stolen from nature.

Like fabridoodles
They're hypoallergenic
Love baths, and don't shed.

Not much of a pet
I will agree, but these things
Have a certain charm.

DKNY Be Delicious Men by Donna Karan

Salaryman salad smells clean but interesting - déjà vu adds points.


Gates of the City
Trust no wooden unicorn
Though bearing flowers

Possibly disguised
As the pressed white shirts of the
Compliant masses

Money's real odor
Decimal conversion to
Almost binary

United in the
Memory of fresh breezes
Rebranded as sex

In the big city
Lights, camera, action and
That's a wrap, people

Of th'American
Way, Mom and apple pie, Back
In time, ask me now

Do you need this stuff?
I don't know, 'pends on what you
Want to remember.


Apple, knowledge, good and bad
Be delicious, make me sad
Clean fresh clothing, touch of life
Job and children, maybe wife

Trace of coffee's memory
Fill their coffers, don't you see
Young and foolish, have some fun
Gain some wisdom, 'fore you're done

Found this sample, lost in time
Now you get this stupid rhyme
Be Delicious, mon ami
Apple's curse's beauty's ye.


TL;DR thus-
Beautifully generic
In a style chicks like

Because you smell clean
But faintly perfumed in a
Testosterone way.

Jet Black Enigma by Michael Malul

Ah, you Tom Fordish
Knock-off of By Kilian
Spiciness upon

Black dry fruitiness
Floating in the glass bazaar
That we cannot see

For what it now is
For what past has now become
Now I understand

Born in the sand dunes
Schooled by other bazaar rats
Watching the traders

Like suspicious cats
Learning all the kiosk tricks
Never suspecting

An honest trader
Might ply a better perfume
Upon a local

Run home with it, boy
They said don't look back, but the
City is still there.

Nuit de Tubéreuse by L'Artisan Parfumeur

Ah, Monsieur Bertrand
You think that you can distract
Madame Tuberose

From her great mission
Of refeminization
With your silly tricks

Your fruits, your flowers
Your spices and your resins
But trust me, Bertrand

You cannot succeed!
Estrogen's floral trumpet
Cannot be silenced

By this orchestra
Of diffuseful idiots
No matter the tune.

Enjoyable, yes
As she stole the whole show from
Their useless antics

You had my dear wife
Mistaking her for a fruit
And the scent for men

We both know better
And though I keep my bottle
Know that you have failed!

Your delightful tune
This tubéreuserous ruse
Olfactive nonsense

Is simply no match
For my dear lady's 19
Spare X chromosomes.

Au revoir, Bertrand
This floral struggle session
Shall not be our last!

Bonbon by Viktor & Rolf

Gourmandy & Babs
The sisterhood of fructose
Approve this fragrance

Its red candy heart
And edible fruit flowers
Lead gently to a

Caramel hole in
Hello Kitty space-time near
Negative Spicebomb

Oh, those silly boys
Victorious & ROTFL
Who dared to construct

Red berry Angel
In butterfly tie-fighter
b/c Bows & Stuff

Not bad on my skin
Drying to testostrogen
b/c Woods & Stuff

Though saith the wife
"It's somewhat ordinary"
Upon the drydown

And thus we proclaim
Our intermittent pleasure
In this fine fragrance

But we shall leave the
Bottles on the dresser to
Gourmandy and Babs.

Beach Rose by Bluehill Fragrances

Buyeth not blind The
Nuclear Sucaryl Rose
Of Both Love And Hate!

Yes, there was this girl
Friend by the name of Beach Rose
Who I created

Just for this moment
You really need to meet her
Quintessence of niche

The dear wife cannot stand her
"Stimulating" charms

To put it mildly
And yet at enough distance
She is most unique

But approach and her
Fascinating repulsion
Becomes addictive

In some Twin Peaks way
One must smell and then cry out
"The womanity!"

I knoweth not the
Smell of Rosa rugosa
But I do know this

Should long sillage be
Haunting, cloying, strong and sweet
In a low-cal way

Then seek this one out
Keeping her at some distance
Lest she overwhelm

And break the magic
Spell cast by her own fragrant
Invasive Species.

Midnight Ride by Bluehill Fragrances

Secrets, songs and tales
Taverns, troubles, tricks and trails
Spices, 'powder, a

Quick bowl of chowder
And a pair of old flintlocks
In that cedar box.

Give me some of that
Old time new time same timey

Two Hundred and Fiftyish
Something happened smell

Antique pipe so old
Tobacco smell done vanished
All that's left is wood

That will never match
What's coming through the window
Same air that they breathed

Spice and wood so faint
That it roars back in silence
This really happened.


Midnight Ride is a very accessible niche woodie that actually smells different from all the rest, and especially from mainstream offerings.  Everybody does "pencil shavings" and "wood and spice", but not the impression that what you 're smelling is both good and (incongruously) over two centuries old.  This fragrance has good strength, solid longevity, admirable complexity, and definite uniqueness.  The balance between the various facets and aspects is comforting.  It's not too dry, nor too humid - not too fresh,  nor too spicy.  But most importantly, it has feeling.


When wood remembers
And spice says the time is now
The clock strikes the hour.

Rose The One by Dolce & Gabbana

Twelve long-stemmed roses
Wrapped on the florist's counter
Would have smelled as nice

As one rose bouquet
Wrapped on the Macy's counter
And kept for twelve years

Faint rose studies two
Nature's brief and perfume's dew
Painted now anew

Roses' fountains capped
In perfume's glass amber trapped

Rose gold memory
Squarist's copper's beauty's bow
Tints now faded so

Letters slurred in space
Drooping from their proper place
Slower never less

In a single press
When she wore it all the then
Standing there again

Kind reminder there
Florist's shop's address's where
Waiting patiently.


I think I appreciate the artistry of this perfume here and now, more than I did back then. Rather than a watercolor realism, capturing the light, moist faintness of real roses, the rose scent in this one rides on a subdued multifloral musk that feels just aqueous enough to lend some naturalness to the rose, but keeps enough perfume character to feel glamorous in a modern way. The composition lets the rose take center stage while the full cast is out there, creating a kind of realistic rose faintness in the middle of a modern perfume performance.

If you're looking for a substantial rose, this is not it. But among faint, yet distinct roses, this one has a slim beauty I find pleasing on many levels.

New Haarlem by Bond No. 9

Lavender coffee
Roasted to some perfection
Beyond mere gourmet

Spiced to some unique pleasance
By your chef Maurice

Welcome to New York
What brings you to this taste of
Future memories?

Rose Rebelle by A Lab on Fire

Dirty Choco Rose
Is having a good time but
Still looking for love

Her sister Ambrette
Driving the getaway car
Has a clean record

Brother Wearable
Is texting from the back seat
》dont hafta make sense

And then someone yells
"RESPAWN!" With a sharp left turn
Down a dark alley

Memory remains
Was the license plate.

Noir de Noir by Tom Ford

Chocolate, roses
And a bit of old perfume
Make us young again.


Fratchouli rosé
Lighting up the night like day
Dark chocolate's way.


A bonfire of rose
Like perfume for chocolate
Loves a recipe.

Valentino Uomo Born in Roma Yellow Dream by Valentino

Have some pineapple
Vanilla crème brûlée drenched
In ethyl ether

And ethyl maltol.
Sweet chypre lager to the
Dark malty Polge brew.

Pineapple Sauvage
of Hello Kitty For Men
In a Uomo way.

The quenching mirage
Of an ice-cold beer on a
Brilliant sunny day.

The cool clear tinkle
Of Valentino studware
Calling out your thirst.

Spray away, cowboy
The ambroxan hangover
Is only a myth.

I am King by Sean John

Though I Am Not King
Nor do I wish to be one
And though this is not

The King of Basenotes
There are times that I think it's
The King of Topnotes

In his clean white suit
Lording over brief escape
In Casablanca

Looking for Mr. Good Czar
Perhaps with some "there"

So as Chandler Said
Spray it on in Abundance
Like a good cologne

Let ambient fruit
Somewhat reminiscent of
Deseo For Men

Play that piano
In surrender's jazz bar dive
Where you just smell nice.

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